My Struggle with Self-Love

Why do I struggle loving myself?
Why do I fill myself with doubts?
Why don't I believe in myself?
Where is my confidence?

I ask myself everyday. Somedays are not as hard. Somedays are worse.

I know so many women can relate (atleast I hope). I am not alone in my struggle to love myself. Yet at times I feel so alone.

I know I am beautiful (saying that even makes me uncomfortable). My husband tells me everyday.
I know I am capable of achieving my goals. My friends remind me all the time.
I know I can find my confidence again because I had it before and it came naturally then.

I am beautiful.
I am capable.
I am confident.
I love myself.

I'm afraid of failure

When asked what I am scared of the first answers the come to my head are standard answers;

I’m afraid of the dark.

I’m afraid of heights.

I’m afraid of losing my loved ones.

 

But when I really put it into perspective and dig a little deeper into my fears, failing is what scared me most.

 

I am terrified of failing and disappointing those that believe I won’t fail. There are so many people who look at me and expect me to succeed. Maybe they don’t “expect” it, but that’s what my mind is telling me.

 

“They are all going to be disappointed in you.”

“You’re going to let them all down.”

“Why do you even try?”

 

These are the voices in my head. They make me believe I will fail before I’ve even started. I try so hard to push those voices back and listen to the encouraging people around me, but it is so hard. When me loved ones talk about how much they believe in me those voices in my head get louder and louder. No matter how much my husband tells me I can do anything I put my mind to, no matter how much my boss encourages me to apply for advanced opportunities, no matter how much my parents say they are proud of me, all I hear is the voices that are objecting everything these people are saying to me.

 

The next question is normally asking why I doubt myself so much. How do you explain voices in your head without looking crazy?

Why I do 24 days of reading in December every year

Since my oldest son Brody was 5 we have been doing what we call "24 Days of Reading" every December. Every night before bed in the month of December we give the boys one book to open as long as they had been good all day. If they have not had a good day then no book.

This is something I think I found on Pinterest a few years back and its something Brody looks forward to every year. This year was Waylon's first year participating because he is finally old enough and he loves it so far too.

I have had so many people say to me "24 books per kid?! That's a lot of books!" and I kind of cringe when I hear this because my kids love reading. Every teacher Brody has had will tell us that if they would let Brody just read all day, he would and he would be happy about it. I easily see Waylon following in his footsteps. My kids read every single day and before they go to bed every night. And please, don't sit here and assume that I am buying my children 24 brand new books from a fancy book store every December because you could not be more wrong! I buy books from our local Goodwill. I believe children's paperback books are like 50 cents each and hard covers are about 75 cents each or I stock up when I see a library is having a book sale. I rarely buy new books and if I do they have to be $1 or less. So really, if I buy books all year round I get out of this pretty cheap. But I am a person who buys books every time I go to Goodwill or other thrift stores because I have them set aside for gifts or rewards for good behavior throughout the year.

None of our books end up going to waste either since I am currently working on getting a Free Little Library set up in our yard for the neighborhood kids or I donate them to the schools.

I really love doing this with my kids. Its something we have done with Brody for 3 years now and he always enjoyed it and now Waylon loves it too. Brody tells everyone about it; family, teachers, friends, and always expresses how cool it is to get a new book every day. Plus, its another incentive to keep them behaving this time of year. We don't do Elf on a Shelf in our house (I tell them I am the one who reports to Santa because I have in on speed dial), so this is kind of our replacement and I love it. I really hope it something we continue into their teen years and I hope they continue the tradition with their kids someday.

What traditions do you have with your kids around the holidays? Do you do anything similar to 24 Days of Reading? 

What does depression look like?

There's no clear picture for depression so you can spot it from across the room. Sometimes depression is hiding in plain sight all along. Sometimes someone that you talk to everyday is going through something you just cant understand.

Depression sometimes hides behind and smile and a forced laugh to show everyone "see, I'm totally fine" and sometimes you can see it clear as day on someone's face. There is no exact, textbook example to go by.

There's not always an exact reason for why someone is feeling this way either, so asking "Are you feeling okay today?" Is a pretty loaded question. And there is no explanation as to why someone might deal with it more than others do. There's not necessarily a trigger for it, it just comes and goes as it wants leaving its victim feeling alone and sad.

You may not always understand what someone is going through, but just being there helps. A loving text or a hug is helpful. Sometimes a listening ear is good and sometimes someone to just be by you throughthe silence so you are not alone. Everyone's depression is different. Only thing I ask, is you don't ask me why I am depressed or say things like "You don't seem like someone who would go through this regularly", not my choice. 

Sometimes it just kinda hits you when you figure out what your future looks like. I mean, its not spot on or anything, but it seems close.

I have lost my mindset lately and sort of trailed off. But I am starting to remember what it is I want and where I actually see myself in the next 2, 5, or 10 years. Last year this time I had a 2 year plan. About 6 months ago I put it all on the back burner for no specific reason. To find myself? What horse shit. I just forgot why I was doing all this hard work and then had a few times of feeling discouraged and put it all on the back burner. Made excuses about not having time, being too tired, working too much and they were just all excuses to not have to think about why I have given up.

I have lit the fire back under my ass and going to hustle. I don't want 5 years to pass and realize I am still where I am today. Only I can change my life.

Positive Vibes Only

Do you ever notice how someone's negative attitude is overpower noing and can ruin your whole mood for the day?  I hate that.  Does someone's negative post on social media ever annoy you so bad it makes you upset?  Me too!  Total downer.  I barley even scroll through my newsfeed because I don't care what someone's views are on this topic or that topic or how people who think the other way are wrong.  I don't care.  I wanna see pictures of your baby and videos of your sister's wedding, not politics.

I try to go on Facebook and Instagram atleast once a day to make what I call a positive vibes post.  Nothing political or anything just something positive, encouraging, and uplifting.  Because you know, your vibe attracks your tribe and I'm all "Cool people only, man!"

I have had people tell me that they look forward to my "hippie posts" and I love it.  I love to hear that I am bringing light to people's day. 

I ran into a friend who is battling cancer.  I had no idea they were going through this.  They said they didnt want to put it out on social media for everyone to see and be sad and send prayers.  They said "I don't need their prayers they can save it for someone who needs them.  I am going to win this fight.  I am staying positive and I love seeing your post because they are so positive."  It melted my heart knowing my little bit of positivity was making an effect on atleast one person who saw it.  Like a tiny ripple in a large ocean. 

So I am going to challenge those who read this; find a nice quote, meme, picture, whatever and post that and only that today.  Don't share a news story, don't talk about politics.  Share something emcouraging and inspiring.  Share this post if you want.  Just spread positive vibes and let me know what kind of reaction you get from it. Tag me in the post and comment below telling me you did this.

Dear Andy

Its been too long since I have seen you last.  You used to visit me in my dreams but I can't even remember when that was.  Do you think I have gotten over this loss?  Do you think I am fine without you in my life now?  I'm not.  I still hurt.  5 years, pain doesn't go away, it just starts to feel numb.

They always say "time heals all wounds."  But while the wound may have closed and healed, there is still a scar that reminds you of the pain.  The memories hurt.  It never really goes away. 

I guess what I am trying to say is, I fucking miss you, man. 

💚Chelsea

Reality Check

Today I had a "lady doctor" appointment. Aren't those just so fun? Yeah, right! But my appointment today was a big slap in the face. The doctor talked to me about my weight and how "it's a bit higher than we would like to see you at..." Then she proceeded to give me tips on how to eat healthy. I was so embarrassed to even say that I am a fitness coach...

I knew I had been slacking but I didn't know it was 180lbs worth of slacking!!

So now it's time to be real with myself! No more excuses. No more slacking. I NEED to put my health first! My goal is to be down atleast 30lbs before I go back to the doctor next year.

I need some accountability though. I will be posting in here about progress and struggles. Anyone want to join me?? Comment below!

Let it go...

You thought I was just going to put Frozen lyrics here didn't you...?  Silly!

Letting shit go... one of the hardest things to do right there.  Even after you have already forgiven someone, do you ever really forget why you were mad?  It's not easy to.

But once you start forgiving its a great feeling.  I have held a lot of grudges in my day and holding onto anger never did me any good.  It really just held me back.  I am no expert by any means but it is something I am working on.

I have a lot of anger still towards a lot of people in my life, but I am working on weeding it out and letting it go.  I feel like I am holding on to the bigger stuff now.  I can let the little shit go.  I forgive the girl I thought was my friend for giving me the friendship boot when I needed a friend the most.  I forgive the person who brought me down so much that it almost broke me.  I forgive the teenage girl who totaled my favorite vehicle ever.  I can forgive the people who felt they had nothing better to do with their time but spread lies about me. I can let this stuff go.

Its hard to forgive my sister for not being there for 5 years.  Its hard to forgive my aunt for backstabbing my dad.  Its hard to let the life changing stuff go.  Maybe because forgiveness has to happen on both ends in those situations.  I will let go soon.  Hopefully it would speed up the rest of the process.

So every week I am going to focus on something to let go of and work on getting rid of that negative energy that is taking up my life.

This week I will forgive a person for the things they said about me.  What will you let go of?

Unplug

Last weekend we went camping in our new-to us Motor home.  We didn't go too far from home but my phone did turn into a camera/watch and that was it!  I could text sometimes, but not really.  But this was all perfectly fine.  We had an amazing time.  I did yoga every morning, played with the kids all day, and laughed with my family the entire weekend and no one had a phone in front of their nose unless it was to take pictures.  It was awesome.

Then on the radio while we were out there they said that people used to spend an average of 20 minutes on the phone a day and now we spend over 3 hours on them on average!  That is so sad!!!  There is a whole world out there we are missing because we're looking to see who is checked in at some bar or who is "ready to start the week!" and so much more useless information.

Now don't get me wrong, I love social media!  I am a social media queen!  I love seeing who just had a baby, and pictures of my family in Tennessee, and get updated on how my friend in Colorado is doing, and see videos of my friend in Cali who is a complete badass.  I love it all!  I could totally go without all the negativity, airing dirty laundry, and all other bullshit that people put out there for the world to see, but that's a different entry...

It was just so nice to be away from "it all" for the weekend.  Focus on enjoying and making memories with my family and my kids.  On the way there I seriously thought "I wish the camp ground had wifi" but I am so glad it doesn't and really hope it never does.

So what I have learned from all of this is that I would like to unplug more.  I am going to be looking for an app for my phone that tells me how much time I spend on my phone and work on cutting it down.  Who else is up for a challenge?  Even if I did just one or two days a week where I cut my time in half I think would be a great accomplishment, because lets be real, the world we live in today, I am not going to cut it out completely.  I like connecting.  I like sharing with others.  Hell, I do many of these entry's from my phone on the toilet so if I gave it up completely you wouldn't be reading most of these.  My main goal is to have many more times ahead of me where my phone is a camera and a watch to me whether I have service or not.

An Open Letter To The Feud That Is Dividing My Family

Let's be real here, I don't even remembered how you started anymore. Or who said what. All I know is you have been a burden on me and my family for too long.

Since you've come around sisters are now strangers, loved ones have passed, babies have been born, and kids are growing into young adults. So much time has passed with this feud here. Too much time. 

Memories are fading. Chances for new memories are passing. Tears have been shed and continue to flow from my mother's eyes. Its not easy to watch. And I feel like there is nothing I can do. I don't know how to make you go away. I often have dreams that you do go away. No questions asked. Its all just over. We are all together again. But unfortunately its not that easy. 

This feud can go away anytime now. You are no longer welcomed here. You never were. 

No if only others could say the same and we could all move on.